


Dirty Little Secret

by NeonDomino



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Coming Out, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27292369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino
Summary: Remus is sick of being Sirius' dirty little secret, so he ends it between them. Sirius realises he's more scared of losing Remus than he is of everyone finding out about his feelings for Remus.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 115





	Dirty Little Secret

**Author's Note:**

> **Written in 2014**  
> 

* * *

Remus Lupin kept his gaze averted as Sirius stood too close to Marlene McKinnon. His eyes pretended to move across the book, as Sirius leaned in to whisper in her ear and it took all his willpower not to rip the page as her hand rested on Sirius' chest.

A giggle from the corner they were in echoed through the room and Remus closed the book, heading up to the dorm room.

He couldn't watch any more. He couldn't continue to see Sirius like that.

* * *

"Remus, you've been off with me for a week now," Sirius said quietly, pulling the covers back and sliding into the bed. His fingers danced across Remus' waistband, sliding his t-shirt up and caressing his chest.

"Have I?" Remus asked, trying to mask the hurt. Everyone was talking about Marlene snogging Sirius. Remus knew that Sirius wouldn't kiss her first, but knew he couldn't just push her away. Sirius had a reputation to uphold.

It didn't stop the pain of it all. He'd been thinking about what to do for so long, and Marlene was the last straw. As much as he wanted to be with Sirius, he couldn't do this anymore. He was so unhappy and it all hurt so much.

And he knew that this was the moment he had been waiting for to tell Sirius his choice.

"Sirius, we're over," Remus murmured, sliding out of the other side of his bed. He wouldn't raise his voice, because James and Peter were asleep. Of course they were - Sirius wouldn't get into Remus' bed had the pair been awake. He wouldn't have risked being found out.

"What?" Sirius asked, thinking he had misheard. "Remus... I don't... what?"

"I'm breaking up with you," Remus told him, slipping his feet into his shoes and leaving the room. He just needed to get away from this situation somehow. There was a part of him that hoped Sirius would follow - that they'd talk and work this out somehow, but no-one followed him from the room. No-one came to find him as he sat by the fireplace in the common room.

An hour later when he returned, Sirius was in his own bed, his back turned to Remus. Not asleep, but pointedly ignoring him. Remus could take a hint, and wordlessly climbed into his own bed and trying (and failing) to sleep.

* * *

_"Did you hear - Remus Lupin is dating Benjy Fenwick. He's gay. Did you know?"_

Sirius knew the question wasn't aimed at him, but it hurt to hear. His fingers clenched into a ball and his nails dug into the palm of his hand as he tried to calm himself. The girls walking into the hall ahead of them were gossiping and it wasn't hard to overhear them.

_"Caught snogging in the library an hour ago."_

Sirius felt sick at the thought of that creep Benjy with his lips touching Remus' perfect ones. What else was that bastard touching of Remus. If Sirius found out that he done anything else to Remus, he'd kill him. Remus was the love of his life.

"Sickening," he muttered.

"What? Two blokes snogging?" James asked, as they walked to the table. "Remus probably thinks the same about girls and guys kissing. Probably thought it when he heard about your latest snog. Marlene." There was a pointed tone to his voice, which Sirius certainly didn't miss.

"Remus wasn't there," Sirius said.

"Yeah, well you weren't there to see him snogging Benjy yet you're quite pissed off. Is it because he's queer, because we've known about that for a couple of years. Thought you were alright with it. More than alright."

"I am alright with it, I just... Benjy isn't good enough for Remus," Sirius said.

_"It was hot, I just walked around the bookshelves and Remus had him against the case, Benjy's hands were on his bum and I would never have thought it of Remus Lupin, he always seemed so shy and -"_

"Can't Remus have a private life without you all talking about it?" Sirius snapped, as he sat at the table, taking the seat next to James instead of the usual one next to Remus. It was a mistake that left him almost facing Remus. He didn't want to look into his ex's beautiful amber eyes and think about how Benjy got to be with him and how Sirius was cast aside.

But Remus didn't look up from his meal. He didn't meet anyone's gaze. He ate as quickly as possible. As he started to leave, Benjy walked him from the hall, hand in hand.

"It seems that you are just as upset at Remus snogging someone else as Remus was when you snog all these random girls," James muttered quietly, and Sirius looked at him suspiciously. Did James know?

"Now you can see how much you hurt him every time," James added so quietly that only Sirius could hear him. "At least he ended things before kissing someone else."

James was right. It did hurt. Sirius didn't reply, not knowing what to say to James.

* * *

"Is that why you ended it? You wanted him over me?" Sirius snarled the second James and Peter went for snacks that evening. He knew James planned it that way to give the pair time alone. Tension was building, and not the fun kind. The kind that stopped Sirius being able to filter what came out of his mouth.

"It's always about you, isn't it?" Remus snapped in return, slamming his book down and shocking Sirius. Remus never snapped at him. Remus had only ever been angry once, and that was with the Snape incident. It took a lot to make Remus react this way.

"What does that mean?" Sirius said, glaring at his ex.

"It means I got sick of being your dirty little secret," Remus shouted. "I was sick of you using me. You might want to pretend to the world that you're straight, but I'm not going to sit around whilst you get it on with the rest of the fucking world. You were the one who told me I deserve to be loved, for someone to treat me like I'm their world because I'm amazing... but you're the one ashamed of me."

"I can't tell -" Sirius begun, though he could hear the pain in Remus' voice. The hurt, the agony. It all threw Sirius completely off.

"I'm not making you, I've spent almost a year allowing you to do what you want, and I love you and you've just taken advantage of that. By day you snog any girl that you find in your arms, and by night you're slipping into my bed and I'm tasting those girls on your lips. I close my eyes and see it over and over. How would you feel?"

Sirius stayed silent, trying to get his head in order. Remus didn't really think that Sirius was using him, right?

"I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, Sirius, and I've said nothing about it because of us. So people won't watch us carefully to see if there is anything more between us. I've turned down dates and stayed 'single' just for you. Do you know how it feels to be someone's dirty little secret? For the person you love to be so ashamed of you? I'm done Sirius. I'm sticking around for someone who can't even say those words back to me. For all I know I could be like those girls - just a bit of fun for you."

"Is that what you think? That you meant as little as they do?" Sirius whispered.

"Why wouldn't I? For the first couple of months I was special, but then... I'm treated no better than them. Don't I deserve something more? Don't I deserve to be happy?"

"You do," Sirius replied, turning away. He did love Remus, more than anything.

Is this what heartbreak felt like? Is this how Remus had felt for their whole relationship? His heart slowly breaking whilst Sirius didn't care about his feelings? That wasn't it at all. He truly loved Remus and he had lost him.

* * *

For the two weeks he was forced to endure the pair walking around, hand in hand, until what would have been Sirius' and Remus' one year anniversary. Sirius having spent hours envisioning ways to fix this. Things to say to Remus. But Remus was with Benjy on _their_ day.

He spent the day with James in Hogsmeade, feeling like his world was coming to an end. But the worst part of it was returning from Hogsmeade for dinner, sitting down in the hall only to see Benjy and Remus walking into the hall, minutes after them. Before he could even think, he was up and he was pushing Benjy away. Fuck what people thought. He could see Remus' hair was messy, his shirt was untucked. What the fuck had Benjy done to him? To _his_ Remus? On _their_ day!

He understood. He finally could see how much it hurt. This is the pain he caused Remus, and he deserved to feel like this in return. He deserved to feel worse than this, because he fucked up the only good thing in his life. Fuck his family, fuck the other students. One thing mattered and he needed to fix it.

"Remus, I'm so sorry," Sirius said. "I'm so fucking sorry for everything."

"Mate, what are -" Benjy began, trying to get past him to Remus.

"Fuck off, Benjy," Sirius snarled, turning around. He wasn't going to let Benjy stop this. He wasn't going to let someone steal the love of his life away.

"No, me and Remus..."

Suddenly Benjy was frozen, and Sirius looked at James who lowered his wand before nodding encouragingly. He gave James a grateful smile before turning back to an annoyed looking Remus. Remus' lips were pursed and his arms folded over his chest.

"It hurts. It fucking hurts to know you've been with him, to hear about you kissing to see it with my own eyes. I know how you've felt all this time. But did you have to do it today?" Sirius asks. "It's our anniversary, Remus. Did you shag him on _our_ day?"

"Sirius, everyone is listening," Remus said. Sirius could see guilt in his eyes as he realised what the day was. But there was something in Remus' expression that gave Sirius hope. He couldn't place his finger on what exactly it was though.

"I don't give a flying fuck if they're listening. I'm more scared of losing you then anyone else finding out I prefer men." As the words fell from his lips, Sirius found that it was all true. Losing Remus was worse than anything. He would welcome all the gossip and looks if he had Remus back. Let them badmouth him. He'd be too happy to really care.

Remus tried to walk away, but Sirius grabbed his arm, ignoring the whispers that his last three words caused. Remus was too important to lose. He doesn't hold too tight, but he doesn't need to. Remus doesn't pull out of his hold, he stops and he looks at Sirius, and Sirius wondered if Remus was only walking away in order to stop Sirius from blurting out his secret.

"Remember the first time?" Sirius asked. "It was exactly a year ago. You had just come out to us and told us that you were gay and that was the first night I slipped into your bed. I remember it. You were confused why I was there, and I kissed you and touched you and I didn't have a clue what I was doing because I had never done anything like it before, all I knew is that I wanted you and only you. I begged you to be mine and you said yes."

"Sirius," Remus said, eyes darted around the hall before finding his. "You'll regret this. Don't."

"The first time you told me you loved me was the first time we made love," Sirius said, louder. "That was after three months. I lit candles in the room during the Easter break when James and Peter weren't here. We spent hours just touching each other, making love and talking. It was the best night of my life. Even if I never said the words out loud to you in return. Something I regret."

"Sirius, enough. You don't really want this -"

"When I smell Amortentia, it smells like you, and has since fifth year which is the first time I smelt it. When you came out, I couldn't keep away from you any longer."

Sirius dropped to his knees, clinging to Remus. The whole school watches, but Sirius doesn't care anymore. If he has Remus, he can get through anything. It's always been that way, and now he realises it more than ever.

"Remus, I'm on my fucking knees begging for you in front of the whole school. I can't lose you. Have you ever seen me beg before? I'll do anything to get you back. I'll tell the world how I like to feel you inside me. I like the feel of your body on top of mine. How I can't fucking live without you. I don't want anyone else, Remus. Please let me prove that." Sirius knew he was babbling now, but he needed Remus to see how important he was to him. "I will spend my life earning your forgiveness."

"Everyone is looking and listening," Remus whispered. Sirius could see his words were working. Remus was hesitating whether to walk away or listen to more. He could see it in Remus' eyes. Remus still wanted to be with him.

"Let them," Sirius replied, from his spot on the floor. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like you didn't matter, when you matter over everything. You are my everything, and I made you feel like I was ashamed of you. I'm so sorry. I can't even tell you how much. I'll spend every moment showing you how much you mean to me. Remus, there is one thing, but I wanted to say that to you with just us."

Remus stared at him, and Sirius slowly got off the floor. There's hope in Remus' eyes and Sirius silently prays that Remus believes him, because he means every single word.

"I love you," Sirius whispered in his ear, taking in Remus' expression. He raised his voice for the hall. "I am in love with you, Remus. Please give me another chance. I'll do everything I can to make you happy. I won't hide what we have any longer. I'll show you how much you mean to me. Please, Remus." He pauses. His voice is shaking now. "Please. Please. Forgive me. Please."

There was a massive silence in the hall. But after what felt like an eternity, Remus turned around to the frozen Benjy.

"I'm so sorry Benjy. I really do like you... it's just that I've been in love with Sirius for so long."

"Oh thank Merlin," Sirius whispered, grabbing Remus and holding him tightly.

Lily pointed her wand at Benjy, removing the spell and Benjy stormed out of the Great Hall. Sirius took Remus' hand and led him to the table. He's scared again, but he's got Remus and he can do this. Remus squeezes his hand as they sit down together and his other hand strokes over Sirius' wrist in a calming motion.

Marlene leaned over. "I'm so sorry, Remus. If I knew Sirius was with you, I wouldn't have -" she began.

"It's okay," Remus interrupted quickly. He didn't want to hear the end of the sentence and be reminded.

"So... who is the better kisser?" Mary asked. "Sirius or Benjy?"

Remus pretended to think about it.

"I'm not sure -" he began, but Sirius pulled his head around, pressing his lips to Remus'. When he pulled away, Remus was breathless.

"I am," Sirius said.

"Sirius is," Remus said, looking slightly dazed.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> **  
> [So… this is my tumblr...](https://neondomino.tumblr.com)  
>  **  
> 


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